I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The power of my boobs compel you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
