Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
