I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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