I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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