Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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