it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
