I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
this is an emotional support booty call
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
