Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
