Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I can't put those talents on a resume
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
