Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
