Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
