All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
