Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
