So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
