barbara walters just said penis...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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