OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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