My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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