yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
