fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
