my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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