I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
