Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
