i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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