Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize