I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
