dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked my hip out of place.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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