I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
