I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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