I wish I could teleport
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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