Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
