I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
