im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
