Just took my morning after pill in the library
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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