I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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