My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
