just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
