I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
