how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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