he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
