I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
