I heard we made out
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
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I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
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You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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