What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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