So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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