don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
