Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
