Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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