not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
