Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
im holly from the hills drunk
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
