Banned from zoo.
Again?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
