I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
