How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
