You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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