i already hear my dad disowning me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
