I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
