2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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